How to tell your kid he's adopted:
Son, I'm a virgin.
You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.
Why is Santa's sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
Why did Michael Jackson rush to Walmart?
He heard boys' pants were half off!
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
My friend called me a dick earlier. I said, "You are what you eat." He then proceeded to run away from me.
So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.
Donald Trump is proudly anti-woke. He has been falling asleep in his court cases every morning!
Your move, Ron DeSantis.
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
A pair of gloves!
Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.
I don’t like making jokes about 9/11. My grandad died in it, he was the greatest pilot I ever knew.
My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, "I’m an orphan, your honor."
Chuck Norris sleeps with the light on, not because he is afraid of the darkness, but because the darkness is afraid of him.
A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.
He says to the first one, "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny."
He says to the second one, "You are addicted to food, you named your daughter Candy."
Then the third one whispers to her son, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Now that Stephen Hawking is dead, the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?
Neither has he.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.
What did the other fish say to that fish when he hit the wall? Dumb Bass.
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.
Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says: "Well...we're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon.
The next day when little Jonny's father comes home, Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" His father is confused. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"
