Hes jokes

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and all he does is sit in his wheelchair and cry all day.

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands.

I asked my North Korean friend, "what's it like to live in North Korea?" He responded, "can't complain."

Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.

Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.

He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."

"I told my black friend a joke. I told him he needs to lighten up!"

I heard that Jimmy Savile never wanted to be famous... All he ever wanted was to settle down, and have kids.

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No," said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough," his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself."

Richard: Mom, someone called me gay.

Richard's mom: Why didn't you slap him across his face?

Richard: No, I couldn't.

Richard's mom: Why?

Richard: Because he was cute.

The whole reason he is dead is because he kept hitting "Remind me later" on his Windows Updates.

Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He just couldn't see that well.

Three drunk men get in a taxi. The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off. The first man gave him the money. The second man thanked him, but the third man slapped the driver. The driver, surprised that he noticed, asked why, and the third man replied with, "Why did you drive so fast?"

So, I was going out the door and I see my dwarf neighbor at the bus stop. I ask if he needs a lift. He replies with "fu.. off." So, I zip up my backpack and keep going to work.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

What did the pedophile say when he got out of prison?

I feel like a kid again.

Why did 10 die? -- He was in the middle of 9/11.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? -- "Bison."

Why did the Catholic priest suck dick at a glory hole?

Because someone asked him what he would do for a Klondike bar.

Why did the skeleton not rob the bank?

He did not have the guts!

Why was Wacko Jacko willing to write a song for the film Free Willy?

He thought that the film's title was a nice phrase to yell out in primary school playgrounds.