Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? - In case he got a hole in one.
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
Jesus seemed like he was probably a good guy; healed the sick, fed the hungry, and gave good advice.
Jesus had only one flaw: he was always hanging around.
A blind man once told me he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward to. Well, let's just say that I see his point.
What would Batman do if he wasn't rich?
He would be robin.
What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.
Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey.
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.
A guy finds a genie.
He says, "I wish I was better at talking to women."
"Poof!" the genie says, "You're gay!"
A Roman walks into a bar.
He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."
What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas?
He went to the Shell station.
Why did the lion always lose at poker?
He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs.
What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?
"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."
Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?
Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.
What's the difference between a surgeon and God?
God knows he's not a surgeon.
Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker?
They say he had locomotives.
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet.
He scares the shit out of it.
