Hes jokes
How did the computer get out of the house?
He used windows.
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar. Oh, wait, he doesn’t walk.
Why was the Roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was "Romin" around during war.
Have you ever stepped into Steven Hawking's House?
Neither has he.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter? He was shredding the floor...
My short friend called me a scrub, even though he was the one below me.
A man named Icide ruined my life. I asked a friend if he would help me sue him. He said yes. But for some reason, he killed me.
All I wanted was for someone to help me sue Icide...
I used to have a friend who worked at a car shop who liked hunting.
I’m not friends with him anymore because he turned my dog into a car-pet.
Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house?
No, neither has he.
Liam Gallagher went into a café for a cup of tea. The assistant asked him if "he wanted a roll with it."
How does an artist fill in a CV?
He draws on experience.
I always talk to my taco before I eat it.
One time it said it was having a bad day and I asked what's wrong. He said I don't want to taco 'bout it!
Why was the cow afraid?
He was a cow herd.
Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?
Because he told the man to put his hands up.
You know your doctor is gay when he asks you to touch your toes, and then you feel a rub on your back and a tickle on your anus.
Why did tube date electricity? Because he would light up when she touched him.
A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."
Why did the accountant fall off his bicycle?
Because he lost his balance!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
He was also dead.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
He was stapled to the first one.
Chuck does not cut butter with a knife, he cuts a knife with butter.