Help jokes

"Daveon, stop screaming for help because I broke your kneecaps!"

Why did the homeless man stop to help the kids cross the street?

To get them into his van.

Kids- it's time for Dora.

Kids- YAY!

Nick Jr. host- Today Dora is going on a big adventure with Grandma.

Swiper- Hello kids, I am trying to find my way to Diego's. Will you please help me?

Kids- Where's Dora?

Swiper- She's under cardiac arrest.

Kids- Poor Dora.

Everybody- SWIPER NO SWIPING!

Swiper - AH MAN!!

Doc: Can I help you?

Girl: Doctor, I have pain in my heart.

Doc: When did it begin?

Girl: Right now (seeing him like a doll).

Doc: Hh...do you like me? I know I am handsome...

Girl: No, don’t get me wrong. You just look like someone I know.

Doc: Who is that? Is your boyfriend?

Girl: No, it’s my pet (rabbit), his name is Rokie.

My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.

How can you help a llama on holiday?

Alpaca your bags.

I love working with animals, especially when I get to hear their cries of help.

Hi! This is a good prank I did! Okay, my sister has this crush and his name is Braylon. So, he texted my sister saying he wants to hang out with her, which I think means date. So anyway, I did this. My text said, "Hi Braylon, I can't hang out today... or the other day because I have homework, so please no hang out!" This is super wrong, but funny! Braylon texted back and said, "Fine, I can help." And I texted back and said, "Oh, will come here around 10:00." And my sister did not know he was coming... She was so embarrassed, she was still in her nightgown! HAHAHAH. O to the k, bye, that's the prankster!!!!

The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.

I'm going to your mom's house. Can you help me, planet?

Little Johnny was getting beaten up by two kids, so I came and helped.

He won’t stand against the three of us!

A shop assistant is helping a little boy who can't find his mum in the supermarket.

He asks the boy, "What's she like?"

The boy says, "Big Cocks and vodka!"

I am throwing a party in space. Can you help me planet?

Guys, I have a dilemma. I'm a beta, please help!

How do you help a depressed kid face their fears... You count to 3 and say jump?

I wouldn't call a Suicide Help-line even if my life depended on it.

In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.

Thank you, anonymous user, for helping me with math a few months ago.

Now I got a 31 on the ACT.

Have you ever tried anal bleaching?

It really helps assholes lighten up.

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.