Heaven jokes

Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed, receiving medical treatment not that far after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit him. Jeremy told his best buddy this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb tall peaking mountains, and low flat valleys, and all after that we'll be happy forever in heaven, eventually." Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.

Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?

Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.

Oh no, I feel bad for Stephen Hawking. He can’t get up the stairway to Heaven.

Hell hates freezers, England, and soccer.

What did the angel say when it went to heaven? Well, halo there!

Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.

The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.

The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"

What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.

What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."

Q: What has two wings and a halo?

A: An Asian phone call, "Wing, Wing, Halo?"

Stephen Hawking was one of the best scientists ever. Now he's walking up the steps of he... No, he's not walking up the steps of heaven.

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Why did God build a stairway to heaven?

So all the disabled people will have to go to hell.

A blind guy shot up a town.

I guess he couldn’t see the road to heaven.

I'm really worried for Stephen Hawking, 'cause how is he going to climb the stairway to Heaven?

In heaven, the Englishman is responsible for jokes, the Italian man for food, and the German man for law and order. In hell, the Englishman is responsible for food, the Italian man for law and order, and the German man for jokes.

Yo mama's so skinny that when she walks outside, she floats to Heaven.

How do angels 😇 make holy water 💧?

They boil the hell out of it.

Your mother is so fat, she broke the stairway to heaven when she died. jaja ur momma dead.

Joe mama so fat, she could not walk the stairs of heaven.

Credits: to my friend.

You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.

We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Heaven.

Heaven who?

Heaven fun over there?