Healthcare jokes
What's something a depressed person can do that a regular person can't?
The depressed person can scan themself.
Q. What does a Russian girl do when she gets unexpectedly pregnant?
A. Has an abortion.
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."
Doctor: "I am so sorry, I cannot see you today."
Orphan: "Oh, okay. What about tomorrow?"
Doctor: "No, I can't see you ever."
Orphan: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I am a family doctor."
Memes
What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?
The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!
Are you a mental hospital? Cause I need to be in you.
Why is there AC in hospitals?
To keep all the vegetables fresh.
My grandma unplugged the internet cable, so I unplugged her life support.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....
How do you blindfold an Asian?
You use dental floss.
What do you call a doctor in Panera Bread?
Panera Med.
What do you call the American healthcare plan for poor people?
Death.
Why can't people in Africa have medicine?
Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.
If you were to ask me, "What is the easiest job in the world?", it would be an Australian psychiatrist.
"G'Day, G'Day...how you doing...no worries, next!"
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
What time is it when a nurse's here?
It's nurse-thirty.
Kid: I have the corona virus!
Nurse: Here is an ice pack.
Did you hear about the guy whose left side got cut off!
But he’s all right now.
Woman: Doctor, doctor, I've been raped.
Doctor: Sex is good for you!