Healthcare jokes
Why did the doctor turn down the orphan?
He was a family physician.
Q. What does a Russian girl do when she gets unexpectedly pregnant?
A. Has an abortion.
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?
The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!
Why is there AC in hospitals?
To keep all the vegetables fresh.
Memes
My grandma unplugged the internet cable, so I unplugged her life support.
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....
How do you blindfold an Asian?
You use dental floss.
Why can't people in Africa have medicine?
Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.
What do you call a doctor in Panera Bread?
Panera Med.
What do you call the American healthcare plan for poor people?
Death.
If you were to ask me, "What is the easiest job in the world?", it would be an Australian psychiatrist.
"G'Day, G'Day...how you doing...no worries, next!"
"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."
What time is it when a nurse's here?
It's nurse-thirty.
Did you hear about the guy whose left side got cut off!
But he’s all right now.
Woman: Doctor, doctor, I've been raped.
Doctor: Sex is good for you!
What's the most expensive haircut?
Chemotherapy.
As tragic as school shootings are, it's also a quick way to a late-term abortion.
What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?
"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"