Healthcare jokes
In the hospital, they need to keep the disabled patients' rooms cooler than the other patients' rooms.
Why?
They need to keep the vegetables cool and crisp.
Doctors in the Middle Ages, Plague doctor: "I must have some herbs to block out bad air."
Doctors now: "God, WTF were we doing back then?"
What's something a depressed person can do that a regular person can't?
The depressed person can scan themself.
Q. What does a Russian girl do when she gets unexpectedly pregnant?
A. Has an abortion.
Doctor: "I am so sorry, I cannot see you today."
Orphan: "Oh, okay. What about tomorrow?"
Doctor: "No, I can't see you ever."
Orphan: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I am a family doctor."
What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?
The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!
Are you a mental hospital? Cause I need to be in you.
Why is there AC in hospitals?
To keep all the vegetables fresh.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....
How do you blindfold an Asian?
You use dental floss.
What do you call a doctor in Panera Bread?
Panera Med.
What do you call the American healthcare plan for poor people?
Death.
If you were to ask me, "What is the easiest job in the world?", it would be an Australian psychiatrist.
"G'Day, G'Day...how you doing...no worries, next!"
Why can't people in Africa have medicine?
Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
What time is it when a nurse's here?
It's nurse-thirty.
Did you hear about the guy whose left side got cut off!
But he’s all right now.
Kid: I have the corona virus!
Nurse: Here is an ice pack.
What's the most expensive haircut?
Chemotherapy.
My grandma unplugged the internet cable, so I unplugged her life support.