Healthcare

Healthcare jokes

Abortion

Q. What does a Russian girl do when she gets unexpectedly pregnant?

A. Has an abortion.

Hospital

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

Circumcision

What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?

The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!

Vaccine

A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....

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  • Medicine

    Why can't people in Africa have medicine?

    Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.

    Plan

    What do you call the American healthcare plan for poor people?

    Death.

    Job

    If you were to ask me, "What is the easiest job in the world?", it would be an Australian psychiatrist.

    "G'Day, G'Day...how you doing...no worries, next!"

    Side

    Did you hear about the guy whose left side got cut off!

    But he’s all right now.

    Rape

    Woman: Doctor, doctor, I've been raped.

    Doctor: Sex is good for you!

    Shooting

    As tragic as school shootings are, it's also a quick way to a late-term abortion.

    Kid

    *in the hospital*

    Paralyzed kid: I'm out!

    *walks out the room*

    Blind kid: You can walk?!

    Mute kid: You can see?!

    Deaf kid: You can talk?!

    Doctor: Wut the f**k?

    Grandpa

    What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?

    "Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"