Why did the doctor turn down the orphan?
He was a family physician.
Q. What does a Russian girl do when she gets unexpectedly pregnant?
A. Has an abortion.
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?
The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!
Why is there AC in hospitals?
To keep all the vegetables fresh.
My grandma unplugged the internet cable, so I unplugged her life support.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....
Why can't people in Africa have medicine?
Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.
What do you call the American healthcare plan for poor people?
Death.
What do you call a doctor in Panera Bread?
Panera Med.
If you were to ask me, "What is the easiest job in the world?", it would be an Australian psychiatrist.
"G'Day, G'Day...how you doing...no worries, next!"
Are you a mental hospital? Cause I need to be in you.
What time is it when a nurse's here?
It's nurse-thirty.
Did you hear about the guy whose left side got cut off!
But he’s all right now.
What's the most expensive haircut?
Chemotherapy.
Woman: Doctor, doctor, I've been raped.
Doctor: Sex is good for you!
As tragic as school shootings are, it's also a quick way to a late-term abortion.
*in the hospital*
Paralyzed kid: I'm out!
*walks out the room*
Blind kid: You can walk?!
Mute kid: You can see?!
Deaf kid: You can talk?!
Doctor: Wut the f**k?
What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?
"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"
How do you recover from prostate cancer surgery?
It’s all Depends!
