Healthcare jokes
Any joke can be funny with the right delivery, except abortion jokes, because then there is no delivery.
He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.
"Yeetus to the fetus."
My grandpa said this generation relies too much on tech, so I unplugged his life support.
Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?
A: "It's me, Luigi!"
"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."
If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?
Why do hospitals have fans?
To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.
Q. What do you say when your friend has an abortion?
A. May your baby rest in pieces.
Old man goes to the doctor.
The doctor says, "The test results are back, and I'm sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer's."
The old man says, "Phew! At least it's not cancer!"
"I'd love to give everyone another shot."
Harry, 26, works at the women's clinic.
When the card declines on child insurance.
Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.
There are 4 people on an airplane, and the pilot has a heart attack and dies. The plane is going down, and there are also only 3 parachutes. So the guy who knows how to cure cancer says, "I’m jumping. I can save many lives." Then the 46th president, Joe Biden, says, "I’m taking the 2nd one." So there is only one left. Donald Trump says to the 7-year-old girl, "I have lived a long life. You can take the next one." So the little girl says, "That’s ok; the 46th president took my backpack." Lol.
My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.
What's something a depressed person can do that a regular person can't?
The depressed person can scan themself.
What does milk and a kid with cancer have in common?
An expiration date.
My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."
I said, "You wanna bet?"
Bam, a gunshot!
What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?
DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!
Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.