Healthcare jokes
Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?
*in the hospital*
Paralyzed kid: I'm out!
*walks out the room*
Blind kid: You can walk?!
Mute kid: You can see?!
Deaf kid: You can talk?!
Doctor: Wut the f**k?
Why doesn't Africa have pharmacies?
Because you can't take drugs on an empty stomach.
Papa John's pizzeria and abortion clinic. You make 'em, we bake 'em.
Why are hospitals always freezing? They need to keep the vegetables cold.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off!
What [is] another name for an abortion?
Canceling your delivery.
What time is it if you sprain an ankle or an arm?
Time to go to the doctor! 🥼
What do you call a doctor in Panera Bread?
Panera Med.
My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"
The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."
Why do they call it abortion? Because they aborted the mission.
Q. What does a Russian girl do when she gets unexpectedly pregnant?
A. Has an abortion.
What is the difference between a thief and a doctor?
The thief knows what you have!
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
Because you can't have medicine on an empty stomach.
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"
The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."
My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.
Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”
Ring ring.
Abortion clinic!
Where no fetus can beat us.
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
Why did the Mexican get put on anxiety meds?
Because of Hispanic attacks.