Healthcare jokes

What's something a depressed person can do that a regular person can't?

The depressed person can scan themself.

How do you recover from prostate cancer surgery? It’s all Depends!

Why did the Mexican get put on anxiety meds?

Because of Hispanic attacks.

Ring ring.

Abortion clinic!

Where no fetus can beat us.

My grandfather said that ppl rely on technology too much these days, so I thought about what he said and decided to unplug his life support.

What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?

"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"

What's a psych ward worker's favorite incense?

Insurance fraud.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

What is the perfect job for a pedophile?

A physical doctor for kids.

Your forehead's so big, when you were being born, the doctors thought you had no face.

Where's the best place to spawn camp at the hospital?

The maternity ward.

Did you know hospitals have an entire wing for free dead babies? It’s called the abortion center.

My grandpa said I'm too reliant on technology... so I screamed that he was a hypocrite and I unplugged his life support.

Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.

Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"

Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."

Why is there AC in hospitals?

To keep all the vegetables fresh.

Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.

Yo momma so fat, when she went for a health consultation, the doc told her to make do with health insurance.