Have jokes

You looking for jokes? I have one: your life.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

What did the angry cow say to its enemy?

"We have beef!"

Q. There were two sisters. One was having twins and asked her sister to help name the children. If one was named Deniece, what was the other named?

A. Denephew.

The people at 9/11 must have been able to read fast. If I explain it, it won't be funny. This is an old joke my friend told me.

What does Jesus have in common with Pinocchio?

They believe their own lies.

I made an orphan website. It does not have a home page.

Three nuns are having a charity in front of the church.

A man in a trench coat walks up and flashes the three nuns. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, but the third nun, her arm was too short.

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.

For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.

Why did people take Stephen Hawking's to the hospital when we should have took him to Curry's PC World?

I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Lambo in my garage.

Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.

While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."

So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"

What is the difference between a stoner and a Mexican?

Stoners have papers.

Why do ducks have feathers? So they can cover their butt quacks.

What is the difference between 100 dead babies and a Mustang Challenger?

I don't have a Mustang Challenger in my garage.

Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Do you know what the secret is to have a smoking, hot body as a senior citizen?

Cremation.

What do slinkies and the handicapped have in common?

They are the most fun when pushed down a flight of stairs.