Have jokes

What do Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?

Both fly around Uranus and wipe out Klingons!

What do a priest and a McDonalds have in common?

They both slide their meat in 10 year old buns.

How come I have a father but not a dad?

He was a priest.

Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.

Patient: What's the bad news?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What's the really bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

Me: I know why you don't have friends.

Kid: Why?

Me: Because you can't even figure that out.

A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.

The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."

The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"

Why does no one look up at Steven Hawking?

You have to look down to see him.

What's the difference between 100 dead babies and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini.

What do priests and McDonald's have in common? They both shove their meat between 10-year-old buns.

Why doesn't Helen Keller's kid have ears? She gave it its first haircut!

What does Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?

They're both turned on by kids.

One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."

Q: Why can orphans swim?

A: They have or-fins.

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.

I have some sad news. The Australian inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. RIP 😔

Why don’t cows have any money?

Because farmers milk them dry.

What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?

When you pull either one out in class, everyone all of a sudden wants to be your friend...

I was asking people who knew Trump if he would win a second term. Stormy said, "No way, he doesn't have two in him!"

Q: Have you ever felt a window?

A: Did you feel the pane?

Let’s say there’s a person who should have never come to exist. How would you find them?

A: Look in a mirror.