Have jokes

My friend said to me, "How do you spell Tom?" and I said, "T-O-M-M." He said, "That's not how you spell 'it's Tom.' You have to take out one 'M'."

So I said, "But which one?"

Have you heard of the... uh Pokemon called uh rhy... rhy... Rhydon deez nuts?

At least Africans don't have to worry about food critics.

What's the difference between sand and food? Africans have plenty of sand.

Catholic men say eating broccoli is like anal sex.

If you’re forced to have it as a child, you probably won’t like it as an adult.

Have you ever eaten a clock before? I heard it’s very time consuming.

Why did the orphan not have a girlfriend?

Because he thought that she would leave him too.

What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to turn them on before they start to suck.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. But why did seven eat nine? Because seven knew you had to have three squared meals a day.

“Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?”

“No.”

“Neither have they.”

You’re so lame, you don’t have a superpower!

"Yah, I do!"

Oh yeah? What is it?

"My diaphragm contracts and moves downwards into my chest cavity and my lungs expand!"

That’s breathing, Jim.

"NO IT’S NOT, JACOB, YOU CAN’T PROVE IT!"

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.

Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Why did the pony have to gargle? Maybe because he was feeling a little hoarse.

Don't you hate when you have sex with your teacher, then remember you're home schooled?

I didn't like having long nails, but they're growing on me.

Once, there was a couple about to have sex. "I have something to confess," said the shy wife. The husband then said, "Whatever it is, I will still love." The wife then said, "Honey, I'm flat chested." The husband said, "It's okay, I'm a baby down there anyways." He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex.

The next day, the wife said, "I thought you were a baby down there." The husband then said, "I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds."

I have a bunch of jokes about unemployed people. It's a shame they never work!

I went to China and said, "I have a big cock," so they thought I said they look like a cock. Then I realized I said it in English.