Have jokes

My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.

Chuck Norris would have died a couple of years ago, but death hasn't built up the courage to tell him.

Have you heard of the new book about anti-gravity?

Well, I just can't seem to put it down.

I have ligma.

Three nuns died in a car crash. They went up to heaven at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper said, "This really should not have happened, so I am going to send you back to earth as different people. Tell me who you want to be or look like." The first nun said, "I want to look like Madonna." Puff, you look like her now, but you can’t use her name. And sent her down to earth. The second one said, "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe." He then makes her look like her and sends her down to earth. The third nun said, "I want to look like Sarah Pipalini." The gatekeeper says to her, "Sarah Pipalini, who is that?" She gives the gatekeeper a newspaper article. He reads it, shakes his head no, and says, "It’s not Sarah Pipalini, it's Sahara pipeline laid by 500 men."

If you were a food, what would you be?

Friend 1: "Pizza, cause I'm so cheesy."

Friend 2: "Chocolate chip cookie, cause I have lots of friends."

Me: "Donut, cause I'm so empty inside."

Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.

Does your shoe have a hole in it?

No.

Then how did you put your foot in it?

MAN 1) Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house?

MAN 2) No.

MAN 1) Neither did he.

We don't have school shooters; we have special ed breeches.

Once the aliens was gonna have a party, they had to planet.

Roses are red, my name is Dan...

TDM, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.

I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”

Charizarding.

When you light a girl's pubes on fire, put it out with your jizz, then flap your arms and say, "You don't have enough badges to train me!"

I have so many cash machine jokes.

But none of them seem to work ATM.

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons.

"My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don’t succumb to his sexual advances, I would have to jump out of the plane."

And his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?"

The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

Guy #1 is being picked up by Guy #2 from the hospital.

Guy #1: Oh man, I just got my prostate checked. It's not looking good.

Guy #2: Why, what is it?

Guy #1: Turns out, I have prostate cancer.

Guy #2: Oh man that sucks...

Guy #1: Yeah, it's a real pain in the ass!

What did the one-handed man have for breakfast this morning?

Finger food.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.