Have jokes

If two people who have the clap sleep together, did they make an applause?

Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT! GET OUT!"

Priest: "Ok, what about the children?"

Father: "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"

Priest: "Do you think we'll have time?"

My dad and I have been playing hide and seek.

It's been 15 years and I still haven't found him.

Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.

If you have cancer, you are gay.

What do boobs and toys have in common?

Kids end up playing with toys, but adults end up playing with boobs.

My kitchen was rearranged today. The tables have turned, and the steaks are higher.

What's the difference between cars and grass?

They both have wheels, except for the grass.

I was staying over at my friend's; for the purpose of the joke, he shall be called Kian. It was 03:00 am and everyone else was asleep when I heard a soft banging on the wall. I left the room to inspect it. Kian lived with his grandad John Hauge; it was thought he had a huge slong.

The banging was getting louder, and so too was my heartbeat. I opened John's door and ventured into the room. John was fully naked. There was a glory hole through the wall where I could make it Kian's ass. This is what I have been waiting for. I rip off my shorts, which Ali G bought for me, and silently moved towards John. I shoved [my] 1-inch wonder in his ear. John furiously turned around and slapped me with his cock, "You little gimp, get on the bed."

Kian came in the room with a 2-litre bottle of Irn Bru. He demanded, "What the fudge are you doing?"

I replied smoothly, "Kian, you tracksuit warrior, you have a camel toe!"

Kian fires back, "Shut it, Paul, you have genital warts!"

John screams, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

He then gives us it so rough I can't walk the next day, but [I] feel pleasured for eternity.

By Lewis

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

If you have 20 apples and you ate 2, how many do you have left?

0 because you have 20 and take away 2, you have 0 left.

Boy: Have you heard of the cool kid who just told us he had autism?

Teacher: What?

Boy: Well... never mind, he's well supported.

Rey: Join me, Ben, you don't have to be alone anymore, join me.

Ben: But Rey, I've always been solo.

Depression is like having anxiety, but with more voices.

What's the difference between a PC and a 6 year old? I don't have to clean out my PC.

Kaden wants to have sex with you.

Kids, next time you have school dinners, make sure you have something you actually like so you don't have to shove all your food over to one side of the plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you actually have.

I once went to the bar for a pint, but the strippers there didn't have that much breast milk.

There was this guy who asked a girl how much her hand jobs are. "$25k." How much are your blowjobs? "$50k." How much do you charge to have sex on the street? REPLY: "I would if I had a pussy."

My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.