Hand jokes

You look like something I drew with my left hand.

So, I took a poop outside. When I was done, I wiped and got it on my finger. After that, I had Nutella, and I thought the poop on my hand was Nutella, and I licked it. I said, "Daddy chill, what in the heck is this crap?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

What's the worst thing about having a Congolese friend?

He always needs a hand.

Imagine the Russians showing up late to the 1917 revolution with a Tsarbucks in hand. They were late, so I guess they weren't Russian. They were probably Stalin.

Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.

There was once a man from Peru. Who fell asleep in a canoe. While dreaming of Venus, He played with his penis, And awoke with a hand full of goo.

What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

A 28 year old woman, Olga, in Meshchovsk, Russia took justice into her own hands when a 32 year old male robber, Viktor, decided to rob her salon. She tied him, feeding him only Viagra, having sex with him over and over. After a few days, she released him after he stated he learned his lesson and wouldn't go to the police. He lied and went to the police anyways. Both were arrested.

After his sentence was over, Viktor sat down to speak to the local news. The reporter asked Viktor, "How was this whole ordeal?" Viktor replied, "I've had better."

How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

You're the type of person to wash your hands after a shower.

My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.

I watch my parents sleep with a knife in my hands. Only got caught once.

Say "crack my finger" backwards.

How do you help a starving cannibal?

You give him a hand!

What's the difference between an orphan and a second-hand book?

The second-hand book was loved once.

It was so cold out today believe it or not, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!

What did the blind kid say after touching the emo kid’s hand?

“I ain’t reading all that.”

What’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?

The back of my hand.

Why are orphans so bad at poker?

They don’t know what a full house looks like.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”