HA Jokes

What is 80 feet wide and has 22 teeth?

Answer: The front row of a Trump Rally!

What's the difference between an iPhone and an orphan?

One has a home.

The difference between my life and a joke is that a joke has meaning.

Everyone has cracks in them, mine's just in my heart and not my ass.

What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Bigfoot has been sighted.

The image is a side-by-side comparison. The left side says, "The copy the teacher has" and shows a clear, well-lit picture of Shrek smiling. The right side says, "The one she gives you" and shows a very dark, distorted, almost unrecognizable version of Shrek's face.

Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg.

P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?

P2: To get to the other side DUH?!?

P1: No dumbass, it's to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me).

P2: Holy shit are u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*

My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.

She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.

Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning? Because it has better reflexes than the Twin Towers.

What’s pink, black and has 17 nipples?

A trash can behind the cancer ward.

A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.

A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn’t drive for shit.

What’s the difference between a Hispanic and a stoner?

A stoner has papers.

A sign that broadcast television has less impact on the masses: The force-feeding of Kelly Clarkson on network television has yet to impact the large stacks of Kelly Clarkson CDs collecting dust in Goodwill, right next to those James Last LPs.

Orphans only have 363 days because they don't have Mother's or Father's Day.

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!

Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!

One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”