Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg. P1: Why did the chicken cross the road? P2: To get to the other side DUH?!? P1: No dumbass, its to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me). P2: Holy shitr u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*
My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.
She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.
Why is the tower of pisa leaning? Because it has better reflexes than the twin towers
Whats the difference between a feminist and a pencil? One of them has a POINT:)
What’s pink, black and has 17 nipples?
A trash can behind the cancer ward
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn’t drive for shit
What’s the difference between a Hispanic and a stoner ??
A stoner has papers 😂
What plae has more boys than the catholic church? Michael Jackson's bedroom
Orphan’s only has 363 days because they dont have mother’s or father’s day
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks "How long am I going to live?" The doctor says "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says"10" The man asks "Ten what?" Then the doctor keeps going"6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1"
Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs! Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!
One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says “Your mother, of course.” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says “You’re so so sexy!”
Sometimes my Battery life has the same recognition as me :(
What’s a joke that an orphan has never heard before? A dad joke.
Any joke that I make about 9/11 has a tendency to crash and burn
What do you do when epileptic has a seizure in a bathtub?
Throw them Some laundry.
A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police says the suspect is armed and on the run.
My family is like a apple tree my sister is that ugly one that has to ruin in
What has eight legs and leaves kids alone? The Jackson 4
When the quiet kid has an argument with the school shooter and you didn't get to pull out the AK
