Guy jokes
Jeff asks, "Did you hear about the guy they call the flash?"
Bob responds, "No, I haven't. Do they call him that because he runs fast?"
Jeff replies, "Nah, they call him that because he doesn't wear pants."
Stephen Hawking is a real stand up guy, out-standing performance.
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.
The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."
What did the guy with two hands say to the guy with one hand?
"Hi-five!"
I wish you guys all died.
You guys should be ashamed of yourselves, making fun of the disabled. After all, they can't stand up for themselves.
What is a cannibal's favorite restaurant?
Five Guys.
What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse's butt?
An Amish Mechanic.
What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?
It is ground breaking!
Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?
He got inked up.
I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked. "I'm a Paralympian," he replied. "Boxing?" "No, ... hurdles."
What did Earth say to the other planets?
"You guys have no life!"
A cop stopped a guy for speeding. He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied. The cop said, "But there is no traffic." And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
An Irish guy walks out of a bar....
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!" The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."