Gone jokes

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

Why haven’t any women gone to the moon?

A: It doesn’t need to be cleaned.

Kobe would still be alive if he would have gone to jail for raping that girl.

Your hairline is so far gone that it looks like someone dropped a nuclear bomb on it.

Why is the rum gone?

Suicide isn't a joke. It's called "parkour gone wrong."

Dad: Here you go son, all your toys have gone to the orphanage.

Son: Why, Dad?

Dad: You would be bored there if there was not anything to do.

There was a magician on board the Titanic and said that he could make anything disappear.

Once the ship had gone down one of the passengers said to him, "Go on, so what did you do with the ship then?"

Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.

Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."

"Really?" asked a little girl.

"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."

Roses are red, violets are blue, my mom and dad died, next you'll be gone too.

What's the difference between a hoe and a sidechick? The hoe want different meals, the sidechick always gone be that one crumb on the side of the plate for debate 💯.

Q: How do you know an Asian person was in your house?

A: Your homework is done, breakfast is made, and your cat is gone.

Why do orphans hate geometry? Cuz it reminds them that their parents are poley-gone.

The twin towers are like your father, they're both gone and will never come back.

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

Women are like grenades: you pull the ring and BOOM, the house is gone!

Small word of advice: Don't wait till next month or next year to do stuff with the people you love, because they may be gone by then. You don't realize, but every second there is someone who dies, and it just could be your loved one.

Q: How do you know if a gang of Chinese people robbed your house?

A: All the rice is gone.

It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.

You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?

When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...

...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)

When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.