Gone jokes

My wife is not only gone like gonorrhea, she is also gone because of my (and now her) gonorrhea.

A man with a gun and a sword walks into a bar, sees a girl, and falls in love with her.

Man: "Hey, you are one beautiful girl. Will you be my girlfriend?"

Girl: "No, because you have a gun and a sword."

Man: "But I am already in love with you."

And then the man leaves to get the girl flowers and candy.

The girl is glad that he has gone, until thirty minutes later, when he shows up again.

Man: "Here are some flowers for you, beautiful girl."

And the girl throws the flowers in his face, and then everyone in the bar laughs, even the bartender.

Man: "And here is some candy."

And the girl throws the candy in his face, and everyone in the bar laughs again, and some teenagers walking down the street see it as well, and then they start laughing too.

One of the teenagers says "Hahaha, that is so funny. Seeing a man give a girl candy, and the girl throwing it in his face to show him that she hates him."

Girl: "I hate you, ugly man!"

Man: "Bartender, can I get some candy for my girl?"

The bartender laughs when he hears that, and then he says "Are you crazy? We don't serve-"

And then the man shoots the bartender with his gun and stabs him with his sword. An old man walking down the street can't believe what he just saw, so he calls the police to arrest the man who killed the bartender.

999 Service Guy: "999, what's your emergency?"

Old man: "I just walked past a bar, and I saw a man shoot and stab the bartender. Can you please get the police to arrest him? Tell them he is the man with a gun and a sword in his bag."

999 Service Guy: "Okay, no worries."

1 Hour later, the first man tries to dance the tango with the girl, and the girl kicks him in the leg, and then he tries to kiss her, and she punches him in the face.

Guy sitting at a table in the bar: "That man is crazy. Trying to kiss a girl who hates him."

And the police show up.

First Policeman: "Which man has a gun and a sword in his bag?"

The girl points to the man and says "This man."

Second Policeman: "Let's arrest him."

Man: "No, wait! I can explain."

Third Policeman: "Get in the back of the car."

When the police get to the Police Station with the man, the first policeman says "You will stay in prison for 10 years."

One week later, the man breaks the bars and escapes prison.

The police see him and run after him.

Third Policeman: "Come back here!"

The man doesn't listen, and he keeps running, so the police shoot him and he dies.

And instead of saying rest in peace on his gravestone, it says rest in pieces.

How do you know if an Asian has broken into your house?

Your dog is gone. ;)

How do you know if an Asian has been in your house?

Your dog's gone.

Your finances are done.

And your floaties.

Which president has never gone to jail?

Lincoln because he's innocent in a cent, get it?

So, I was walking down the path of my life with Bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his.

One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, "You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?"

He then looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Raw!"

Q: How do you know an Asian person was in your house?

A: Your homework is done, breakfast is made, and your cat is gone.

Hey, math:

I’m really tired of trying to find your X. Accept that she’s gone, and solve your own problems, dude!

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.

Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."

"Really?" asked a little girl.

"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."

What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.

My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead walked into a bar. The bartender told them there was a magic mirror in the bathroom. He said that if you spoke the truth in front of the mirror, you would have your greatest desires, but if you told a lie, you would disappear.

The redhead said that she was the prettiest girl in the bar, and she walked out of the bathroom, and she got a thousand dollars. The brunette walked in and said she was the smartest one in the bar. She walked out of the bar with a new car. The blonde went in, she said, "I think..." poof, she was gone.

Yo mamma so ugly that even God said, "Be gone, DEMON!"

*Loud explosion inside the tank*

"Where's the commander?" "He's gone." "Where has he gone?" "All over the place."

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

One night I was sitting on my bed in my room, minding my own business. It was pretty late, around 10 PM. The glow of my laptop screen was the only light in the room. I heard a noise coming from behind me. It sounded like the door was opening, but there was no one else in the house.

I turned around and found Mr. Incredible standing in my doorway, a stern look on his face. He walked over to me, slowly and dramatically. Then he leaned over and pointed his finger at my face, only about two inches away now. I was frozen with my back against the wall. Then, Mr. Incredible said something I would never forget: "Stop pirating video games."

Ever since that day, I have never gone on a pirating website and have paid legally for my video games. True story.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation has gone too far. All of the Make-A-Wish kids asked for cancer to be gone, so they just gave the cancer to all of the Make-A-Wish kids.

A killer gone up to 5 people and killed 4 of them. There were 2 couples and 1 third wheel. The 5th one was left single out...

A man and a cow walk into a McDonalds, and the man walks up to the front counter and says, “I’d like one beef burger.” The employee of McDonalds said, “Sure thing sir, also I really like to see your cow, may I bring him into the back room really quick to show my co-workers?” The man says, “Sure.” The employee takes the cow into the back room. A couple minutes later, the employee came back with his burger. The man took a bite of it, and realized his cow was gone.