Q: How do you know an Asian person was in your house? A: Your homework is done, breakfast is made, and your cat is gone.
Hey math: I’m really tired of trying to find your X. Accept that she’s gone, and solve your own problems, dude!
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.
“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone. Then, the birthday boy said "Hey, he's like my dad." "Really" asked a little girl? "I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."
What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
A blond a bernet and a red head walked into a bar the bartender told them their was a magic merror in the bathroom.He said that if you spoke the truth infront of the merror you would have your greatest desires but if you told a lie you would disappear .The red head sais that she was the pretiest girl in the bar and she walked out the bathroom and she got athusand dollars.The berrnet walked in and said she was the smartest one in the bar she walked out the ber with a new car.The bland went she said I think poof she was gone
yo mamma so ugly that even god said be gone DEMON!
*Loud explosion inside the tank*
"Where's the commander?" "He's gone." "Where has he gone?" "All over the place."
After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park. Lord: Has something happened while I was gone? Gardener: Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burrying your dog. Lord: My dog died?! Gardener: Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down. Lord: My mansion?! How?! Gardener: Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains. Lord: Why was she so distraught? Gardener: She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped. Lord: My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?! Gardener: Oh right! Your cancer test results!
One night I was sitting on my bed in my room, minding my own business. It was pretty late, around 10 PM. The glow of my laptop screen was the only light in the room. I heard a noise coming from behind me. It sounded like the door was opening, but there was no one else in the house. I turned around and found Mr. Incredible standing in my doorway, a stern look on his face. He walked over to me, slowly and dramatically. Then he leaned over and pointed his finger at my face, only about two inches away now. I was frozen with my back against the wall. Then, Mr. Incredible said something I would never forget: "Stop pirating video games." Ever since that day, I have never gone on a pirating website and have paid legally for my video games. True story.
The make a wish foundation has gone too far. All of the make a wish kids asked for cancer to be gone so they just gave the cancer to all of the make a wish kids.
A killer gone up to 5 people and kill 4 of them there were 2 couples and 1 3rd wheel the 5th one was left single out...
A man and a cow walk into a McDonalds, and the man walks up to the front counter and says “I’d like one beef burger.” The employee of McDonalds said “Sure thing sir, also I really like to see your cow, may I bring him into the back room really quick to show my co-workers?” The man says “Sure.” The employee takes the cow into the back room. A couple minutes later the employee came back with his burger. The man took a bite of it, and released his cow was gone.
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow, but when I woke up my pillow was gone!
I adopted a dog. its gone now. At least homeless people in china are not starving.
diabetic wives are like cillit bang. squeeze them a bit and bang! the bed is gone
Women are like Gernades you pull the ring and BOOM house is gone
Tilted Towers is gone.
Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up, my pillow was gone.
