God jokes

What's the difference between a God and my mom?

My mom exists. I mean... she did at one point! Unlike any "Gods."

Ohh my god, it's a dinosaur with a huge ass mothafuckin' noseeee!!!!

Orphan: I finally have a father!

God: And who is that?

Orphan: You!

God: Who the hell is you? Well, it's not me.

Orphan: :l

God promised John that if he came in 1st, he would get an eternal life, but instead he came in 5th and got a kettle!

Stephen Hawking said there is no God.

2018 God said there is no Stephen Hawking.

In 2011, Stephen Hawking said God didn’t exist.

In 2018, God said Stephen Hawking didn’t exist. xx 😂😂

Hodor.

Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.

Texter 2: How?

Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.

First bite: Oh my God!

Second bite: Oh my, God!

Why do we call them dead bodies? Nobody says "alive bodies!" Like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG IT'S FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones, though." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on, husband, help me with the bodies." If it's a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"

One night, a father heard his daughter saying good night.

"Good night, Mom."

"Good night, Dad."

"Good night, Mamah."

"Good bye, Papa."

The next day her papa died.

He heard her saying them a month later.

"Good night, Mom."

"Good night, Dad."

"Good bye, Mamah."

The next day her mamah died.

Well, her dad was scared for his life. He knew he was next. Well, his daughter said them again.

"Good night, Mom."

"Good bye, Dad."

The next day, the mail man dropped dead on their porch.

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

What's a cow's favorite newspaper?

The Daily M0Os.

Oh my frickig god, cleared my history and forgot my password for this, 3th account!

Scratches on an icy road and kills 50 people on the bus, and when they get to Heaven, God feels so bad for them and grants them all one wish.

The first lady in the line was always worried about her looks, so she wished to be beautiful, and the guy behind her couldn’t think of what to wish about, so he also wished to be beautiful. This kept on going, but the guy at the end of the line started to laugh. When he got to God, God says, “What is your one wish, my son?” He said, “I wish you can make them all ugly again.”

We have life. I hope we have life. We have God in Jesus Christ. This is a good thing. It is a song part.

God said the first person to kill Hitler goes to heaven.

Hitler: Kills himself.

What do you call a dog that's faced backwards?

A god.

Why did Stephen Hawking not believe in God?

Computers don’t really have a specific religion.

God is fake.

What is the difference between Jesus and the devil?

When the devil came to Earth, he was the one with the nail gun.