Go jokes

DAD: I'm bringing your toys to the orphanage.

SON: Why?

DAD: You're going to need them.

Place a man in a morgue, he'll try to leave.

Place a doctor in a morgue, he'll go to work.

Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he'll stay happy for a week.

You: "Captain, where is this plane going?"

Captain: "New York, 175 Greenwich Street."

Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?

Because they go down so well.

Next time at Walmart, I'm going to scan my wrist. They are basically barcodes.

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones that go to school.

Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

In communist Russia there is no discrimination. White, black, African, American, British and Asian. They all go to Gulag eventually.

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

A boy walks in on his parents having sex. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the boy screams at his father, and runs out of the room.

Soon, the parents hear screams coming from the father's mother's room. They both go running. They see the little boy pumping into his grandmother like anything. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the father screams. "It's not so easy when it's your mother is it?" says the boy.

Little Johnny was playing outside and steps on a honeybee. His dad sees this and says, "I saw what you did and for that, you get no honey for two weeks." Johnny replies, "I don't care, I don't like honey anyway." About fifteen minutes later, Little Johnny is playing with the butterflies and rips the wings off of one. His dad bursts out and says, "I saw that, and for it you get no butter for a month." Little Johnny replies, "I don't care, I don't like butter anyway." Both Little Johnny and his dad go in for dinner. Johnny's mother sees a cockroach on the ground and steps on it. Little Johnny looks and smiles and says, "Do you want to tell her or should I?"

Bro's hair looks like Buzz Lightyear, going to infinity and beyond!

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

If you're going to be a smart ass, you have to be smart, or you're just an ass.

Why did Mexicans go to Area 51?

To show them what a real illegal alien looks like.

Women: “Men used to go to war, now they go to clubs.”

Men: “Women used to fear their nudes getting leaked, now it’s $3.99.”

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

How are Xbox servers like hookers? First they take my money, and then they go down on me.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."