Go Jokes

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

Next time at Walmart, I'm going to scan my wrist. They are basically barcodes.

Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?

Because they go down so well.

You: "Captain, where is this plane going?"

Captain: "New York, 175 Greenwich Street."

So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”

Like if you can relate

A cartoon of a blue cat-like character sitting at a desk with a stern face. Above it says "when your teacher is happy about something" and below it says "I think we all know where this is going."

Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones that go to school.

In communist Russia there is no discrimination. White, black, African, American, British and Asian. They all go to Gulag eventually.

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

If you're going to be a smart ass, you have to be smart, or you're just an ass.

Why did Mexicans go to Area 51?

To show them what a real illegal alien looks like.

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.