Go jokes

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees.

Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?

Because he's dead.

So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.

When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"

Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.

American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"

Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"

German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"

Kid: What is the biggest mistake you made in your life?

Parents: Go look above the bathroom sink.

Kid goes and looks, but then he realizes.

Q: Why can't orphans be on a football team?

A: Because they won't know where to go on a home game.

I’m not into watching sunsets, but I’d love to see you go down.

One hat told another hat to stay behind, and he will go on a-head.

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

What do masturbation and brain damage have in common? After a few strokes, there’s no going back.

You: "Captain, where is this plane going?"

Captain: "New York, 175 Greenwich Street."

Friend: Want to play Fall Guys?

Friend 2: Yup.

Friend: Ok, so let me ju- wait, where are you going?

Friend 2: I'm gonna jump off.

Friend: Why?

Friend 2: We are playing Fall Guys, right?

Next time at Walmart, I'm going to scan my wrist. They are basically barcodes.

Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.

Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"

I was going to go hunting but then I realized, schools are closed due to covid.

Better call NASA and tell them there are only going to be 7 planets after I destroy URANUS.

Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.

“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.

The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”

Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.

The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.

“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

“No.”

The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.

“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.

“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”

“Yep.”

“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”