Girlfriend jokes

When is the best time to punch a midget in the face?

When he’s standing next to your girlfriend and says your hair smells nice.

My girlfriend said she's having a horrible time with her period. I ask her which one, but realize she's not talking about school...

We don't see each other very much.

Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.

What do you call a downy who can't get a girlfriend?

Down bad.

When your girlfriend tells you she's a guy: "What, bitch? Naw, hell no!"

As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.

Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."

One day, Little Johnny came home with his girlfriend and told his dad, "We're gonna go to my room and do some homework." His dad said okay. Five minutes later, Little Johnny's dad heard noises coming from his room, so he went to go see what it was, and all he heard was, "Baby, baby, oh, baby, baby, oh." Little Johnny's dad started banging on the door and said, "Little Johnny, what are you doing in there?" Then Little Johnny said, "Dad, we're just having sex." Then Little Johnny's dad said, "Oh, I thought you were listening to some Justin Bieber up in here."

If you have a girlfriend/crush that's shorter than you, go up to her and say, "You're short, lemme add some inches."

My girlfriend's pregnant. I'm 13. She was raped.

I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.

She said, "but the world is round."

I said, babe, you are my world.

I said to my girlfriend nothing can ever make you look ugly...

Because you already look ugly.

If your blind girlfriend says you have a big cock, she's probably just pulling your leg.

Once an orphan got a girlfriend. He regretted it. She left him too.

Girlfriend: Babe, what do you think of our love?

Me: Look at the stars in the sky.

Girlfriend: Aww... it’s infinity, right?

Me: No, it’s a waste of time.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you.

Me: Whatever, when I take out the trash, I think of you.

My boyfriend accused me of cheating. I told him he reminded me of my girlfriend.

Man: Can you be my girlfriend?

Woman: I'm lesbian, sorry.

Man: Oh, here's your rope.

When Little Johnny was about 3, he got curious and stuck his hand up a mannequin's pants. His mom says, "No, Little Johnny, there are teeth up there that will bite off your hand." Little Johnny thinks, "Oh no, I can't do that again."

A few years later, he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out. She says, "Why don't you ever stick your hand up my pants?" He says, "Oh no, my mom says there are teeth that will bite off my hand up there." She says, "No, there isn't, just look!" Little Johnny looks and says, "Well, no wonder there ain't no teeth. By the way, them gums look..."

I went fishing while watching porn, and my girlfriend said, "Well, you want my fish?" and I said, "But you're not in the water."

What makes Stephen Hawking and your dumped girlfriend similar?

They can't stand up for themselves.

Dad: Are you gay?

Kid: Yes.

10 days later.

Kid: I’m going to my girlfriend's house.

Dad: I thought you were gay?

Kid: What’s wrong with you? He’s the girly girl of our relationship, dumba**.

Dad: Don’t swear and okay, bud.