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Family

    • A young boy was talking to his friend about his family:

    "My great-grandfather fought against Napoleon, my grandfather fought against the English, my father fought against the Americans, and my uncle against the Argentinians."

    The friend replied: "It seems that your family can't get along with anybody!"

    Disease

    • "Disease" technically means "lack of ease," so if a girl is hard to get, call her a disease.

    That's what Elliot Rodger did.

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    Emo kid

    • What is the difference between an emo kid and a jug of milk?

    The milk doesn't hang itself after it gets dumped.

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    • Baby

    • How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.

    How do you get them back out? Straw.

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    • Orphan

    • What's the difference between an orphan and an apple tree?

    The apples get picked.

    Orphan

    • Q: Why are orphans so scared to get married?

    A: They don't know what it feels like to have a family.

    Duck

    • A guy saw a person with a duck and said, "Where did you get a pig?"

    The owner replied, "It's not a pig, dummy!"

    The random guy said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck."

    Laughing Gas

    • My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.

    So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.

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    • Nun

    • A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"

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    • Rape

    • What's worse than getting raped in a cemetery? Finding someone else's semen in your mom's corpse.

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    • Fortnite

    • "We got a number one victory royale, yeah Fortnite we boutta get down! Get down! Ten kills on the board right now, just wiped out tomato town! My friend's gone down, I revived him now we're heading southbound! Now we're in the pleasant park street, look at the map, go to the marked sheet!"

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    • Mama

    • Yo' mama sometimes always happens to let you know you're back in New York -- like the way people order in a restaurant: "Could you take my order before Jesus gets back? What's the matter with you? I've evolved into another species here, you understand? I can't eat clam chowder no more. I gotta see the cyborg menu, you understand?"