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I'm thinking of getting a job as a gardener--pushing up the daisies!
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.
It never gets old.
Roses are red, my name is Dan...
TDM, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!
What time do dogs 🐕 get a walk done ✅?
Time to walk with your dog 🐶!
What time is it when you get home? Can you walk me home, and then get home? Then I can walk you home, and walk home.
I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!
Somebody shouts "Fire!"
Man 1: Get the children out!
Man 2: F*** the children!
Man 3: We don't have time!
Why did the koala cross the road?
To get to the big tree.
My wife purely hates me for me having sex with our daughter.
It's not my fault I couldn't wait to get out of the abortion clinic!
Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be Wanted.
Why are orphans bad at poker? They don’t know what a full house is.
I saw a child crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. Bad move. I got fired from my job at the orphanage.
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion? Me time.
Did you know? The letter ‘f’ in orphan stands for family.
What is an orphan’s least favorite song? "We are Family."
What’s an orphan’s least favorite TV show? "Family Guy."
What’s an orphan’s least favorite movie? "Meet the Parents."
What’s an orphan’s least favorite type of music? House.
Next: Inappropriate Jokes
What’s an orphan’s least favorite store? Home Depot.
What’s an orphan’s favorite band? Foster the People.
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.
Where do orphan chickens end up? Foster Farms.
What beer do orphans drink? Foster’s.
Why do orphans have water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.
What do you call a fish with no parents? An orfin.
Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it’s the only love they get.
Me: Are you an orphan? Orphan: Yes, what gave me away?
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a Mexican?
I don't know, but man can it pick lettuce.
What is the difference between a zebra and a female NCO?
A zebra didn't have to suck and fuck to get its stripes.
What do dicks and Rubik's Cubes have in common?
The more you play with them, the harder they get.
What did the tower say to the other one?
I will see you later; I am about to get hit.
Why are farts a nice break for emos?
They get to cut cheese.
What is the best revenge for getting punished at school?
Go shoot up the school.
Why was Trump banned from music class? He kept putting his finger on D minor.
What was Clinton encouraged to get in college? A minor.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
The apple gets picked.
When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant:
Did you get seafood without me? It smells like fish.
I’m the type to join a cult unknowingly, but get too lazy to commit to it.