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Why did your mom cross the road?

You were on the same side as her, and she wanted to get as far away from you as possible.

Why did a school shooter get banned from a game server?

He was caught aimbotting.

I can never get away from my dog, he follows me everywhere. I think you two would be really good friends.

Boy: "Why can't you get a family?"

Me: "Why can't you get a rope?"

Boy: "What do you mean?"

Friend and me: "We can show you."

Me: "I will tie the rope."

Friend: "I will push the chair."

Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.

Next day:

Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?

Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.

The dad sulked for 3 whole years.

Proof that words really can hurt.

Beans for centuries have been called "false friends," because they have a tendency to talk behind one's back. If you get my drift. 🀣