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When a Muslim dies, he gets 72 virgins.

It's the same thing with priests, except the virgins are children.

Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!

Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.

What do Rihanna and a DJ have in common?

They know how to get a beat down.

What is the difference between apples and orphans?

The apples get picked.

So I saw the police. I yelled, "Dumper, get into the fucking yumper!"

A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."

Student: A plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left?

Teacher: 203

Student: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?

Teacher: You can't.

Student: Yes, you can. Open the fridge door, put the elephant in.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Teacher: Open the door, put in the giraffe?

Student: No, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe.

The Lion King is having a party, who isn't there?

Teacher: Let me guess, the lion.

Student: No, the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge.

Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how?

Teacher: She stepped on the alligators?

Student: No, the alligators are at the party.

Sally dies anyway, how?

Teacher: She frowned?

Student: No, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.

What’s the difference between women and cars?

At least cars retain some of their value after getting wrecked.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

Why did the football player go to the bank?

To get his quarter back.

Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.

Sans: I like eating ketchup, don't believe me? It's ASRIEL as it gets!

UT Sans to UT pap: You FORGHETTIE the spaghetti!!!

Ink sans: umm lust? That's INKAPPROPRIATE!

Fell sans: I hate these double standards...if you burn a body at a crematorium you're doing "a good job," do it at home and your "destroying evidence."

Error sans: Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?

Mom: No.

Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.

What did Jake say to Peggy?

"CALC-U-LATOR!" Get it? Like, "Catch you later!"

If a Jewish kid has ADHD, do they get sent to a concentration camp?

Why is a nun called a nun?

'Cause they ain't supposed to get none ;)

What would Stephen Hawking do to get drunk?

Overcharge himself.