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Blonde

How do you get a blonde to drown? You tell them the bottom of the pool smells weird.

High

Well, I didn’t get as high as I wanted to, but I’m high enough that if I fall I’d probably break something.

Orphan

What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple actually gets picked.

Flip-flop

Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.

Me: Ok.

*Ring*

Me: Opens the door.

Oh sh*t!

Mom: Gets flip flop.

Memes

Orphan

Why do orphans love tennis? It's the only love they get.

In tennis, 0 points is love.

Facebook

A guy entered a library and wanted to get some books to read. He was searching across the books, and the librarian asked him,

Librarian: What are you looking for?

Man: I am looking for a book!

Librarian: Which book?

Man: Facebook.

Rapper

What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?

A money manager who counts bars.

DNA

What do you get when you cross cow DNA with human DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

Yo mama

Yo mama so fat that State Farm tried to get on her side but couldn’t.

Death

Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.

Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.

Crematorium

What’s the only plus for someone who burns to death?

They get a discount at the crematorium.

Rose

Roses are red, Violets are blue, When life gets tough, I'll stand by you.

Dildo

Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.

To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."

Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

Battery

Do you know why they call me battery saver?

I get turned on when it’s below 10%.

Girlfriend

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.