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Why'd Billy get fired from the banana factory?

He kept throwing with the bent one.

Whenever I order coffee, I always get the depresso with extra depresso sauce.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.

Q. What does a slutty mermaid get? A. Crabs.

I’d pound your mom so fast, even Sonic would get jealous!

My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.

Why did the cellphone get glasses? Because it lost its contacts!

Why does your grandma like gardening so much?

Because she loves getting dirty down on her knees.

How are corpses like pools?

Once you get in, it's only cold for like a minute.

A normal exorcism is getting a demon out of a person, but a reverse exorcism is the devil telling the priest to get out of the child.

Did you hear? There is a new toy for boys ages 2-10. It's called Jackson. A tiny white doll, with black Jackson. Get it while supplies last.

What does a bridge and a fat chick have in common?

They’ll eventually get laid by a Mexican.

Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?

A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.

I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.

Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

Because they can’t get a home run.

Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?

They are more open-minded.

The media's relationship with Hillary is just like Bill's relationship with Hillary. The relationship is unwanted and forced, and they'll move on to the next person any chance they get.

If you hate what you hear from Nickelback, at least you can get your nickel back.

If you have to deal with the noise from Deftones... unfortunately, not only are you unable to obtain any refund, but you may have become permanently deaf.

How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

What was the comment that Vice President Harris said in the United States Senate when a blue dog democrat in the United States Senate called Vice President Harris a bitch?

Kibbles 'N Bits!! Kibbles 'N Bits!! I is going to get me some Kibbles 'N Bits!!