Get Jokes

Let's get this right. What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg, but you can't beat...

Yes, you are the one who can get it, and what time do I have?

That one teacher that flips on and off the light switch to get the students' attention... that one kid with epilepsy...

What do you get when you mix alcohol with literature?

Tequila Mockingbird.

Why can't orphans get 5 stars in GTA? They aren't wanted!

The image shows text that says "My friends: Stop your algebra jokes, we don't get 'em. Me: I don't care about your" followed by an onion, a slice of it removed and replaced by the pi symbol (π).

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

Are you getting tired of life? Yes? Then call 180 go fuck yourself.

It's not our problem.com That's 180 go fuck yourself it's not our problem.com

What did the parent say to Michael Jackson?

"Get off my kid!"

Just told Putin to get some b*tches.

Waiting for 3801 missiles to strike my house.

Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?

A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.

How do you make a dishwasher work again?

Smack her ass and say "get back to work!"

If a Jewish kid has ADHD, do they get sent to a concentration camp?

If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?

There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”

The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”

The third blonde says “so we go at night.”

My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"

What time is it when you get home, can you walk walk home, and walk walk home from school, and walk walk home from school, and walk walk home from school, and walk walk home from school, and walk walk home from school, and walk walk home from school, and walk walk home from school, and walk walk home from school?

Hi.

A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”

The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”

Guess who dies next.

A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her mom naked taking a shower and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get breasts?" Mom says, "Oh, when you're 12 or 13." The little girl looks down and see’s her pubes and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get hair down there?" Mom says, "Oh, about the same time you get breasts."

Then the little girl walks in and sees her dad sitting on the bed with a hard on and asks, "Daddy, daddy, when am I gonna get one of those?" Dad says, "Soon as your mom leaves for work."

I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.