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What did the deaf, dumb, blind, paraplegic, autistic baby get for Christmas? AIDs.

Dad: Son, do you want to play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?

Son: Sure, let me get it from the closet.

Dad: No, bring your sisters. Just like the game, they can’t move their legs.

What do you get when you cross a dick and a potato?

A dictator.

Why did the Emo Chicken cross the road?

To get hit by a car.

Yo mama is such a slut, she could get slapped by a pack of hot dogs and get pregnant.

Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

Jokes about communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

What does gum in my d*ck have in common?

Both get chewed on by little kids.

This is how big cats were named.

"I HATE BIG CATS. THAT ONE IS A LIAR, THAT ONE IS A CHEATER. THE ONE IS A POO-MA."

"Lion. Cheetah. Puma. You're getting a promotion."

Jokes are like Indians.

They never die, they just get reincarnated.

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.

It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!

What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?

The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!

Yo mama so fat, I have to take a train, 2 buses, and 3 airplanes to get on her good side.

How do you make a dishwasher work again?

Smack her ass and say "get back to work!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he got hit by a car.

How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?

Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work...

Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"

The terrorists both say, "A beer."

The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"

One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.