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When you get to feel a dick in you, then suck bro, all your stress [goes] out the window.
"Peado van, peado van, stay away, peado van, peado van, take her away."
I can't afford food, I can't afford childcare, might as well just get the money out of her.
Edward Scissorhands: Why is it that every time I touch someone, they get offended?
Kids: Because you're a psycho path.
What does a kite and a criminal have in common?
They both get high.
What's the difference between a rock and a woman?
The flat ones get skipped.
A man drinks beer and jumps off a tower, and he's okay. The other guy says, "Whoa, how'd you do that?"
He does it again, so the guy gets a beer, the same beer, and jumps off. He died.
The bartender looks at the original man who jumped off and says, "Superman, you're a real butthole whenever you're drunk."
I'll never forget my Grandad's last words... "Son, where did you get a grenade from?!"
What happens when skeletons score points in a game?
They get a bone-us.
Superman and Flash were in the living room pounding back a few beers. Flash says to Superman, "I bet you can fly into Wonder Woman's bedroom and get the best pussy of your life." So he does it. When he goes back to Flash, Superman says, "Man, that was great, but my ass kinda burns."
Hello, I am typing with the microphone, euros, hello bro and 0LXDXD bra, that’s funny, and also you are gay. Ha ha ha ha ha, get it done by eight.
Roses are red, I have free candy, get in my van, I have a gun handy.
Roses are red.
I have free candy. Get in my van. I have free candy!
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple gets picked.
(Wait, forgot about the 3rd third thing.) I have said this countless times, but it doesn't seem to be getting through to you: quit hating on particular jokes. You don't like it? Nobody cares. Don't go into the morbid jokes category, you idiots, ffs!
Gwen sassy: Hi here, my credit card. Don't get it wet, it is too much!
Unknown: Okay!
Gwen sassy: Man, I am late, can you move along! Much!
Unknown whispering: Sexy!
Once I was in South Korea doing stand up comedy... and I started with a "hidden" joke and I said: "I'm so happy to be here in one of the most beautiful Korea's in the world..." which is a good joke but they didn't get it, and they looked at me badly... so I said "I'm here in the South which is more beautiful... South good, North booooooo." But still nothing, they kept glaring at me... then I realized that maybe I was in the wrong Korea.
Why are orphans and bananas so much alike? Because they both get split.
What does an orphan and a banana have in common? They both get split up.
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
What do you say to your customer at a popsicle stand when he asks for the price?
Dollar a pop!
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