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What's the difference between apples and orphans?
Apples get picked.
If you ever get cold, just go to a corner because they're usually 90 degrees.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?
Both end up getting cut.
I walked up to a man, and he said, "How's the weather up there?" and then I pushed him into the street to get hit by a bus.
JFK: Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head.
Kid: Mom, do trees poop?
Mom: Yes. That is how we get #2 pencils.
If you think about it, then adoption is the last choice for getting a child, so those who are adopted were the last choice.
Orphans can get away with anything really bad at school, because they can't be sent home for it.
Have you ever had duck sausage? No? How about you duck on down and get yourself some!
Why did the Drill Sergeant get in trouble?
He got caught playing with his Privates!
Orphans and punching bags are almost the same.
They both get hit, but a punching bag is still wanted.
What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?
A dildo.
Dark humor is like cancer, it's even funnier when children get it.
A man went into a library to get a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said, "No, you won't bring it back."
How do you get a light bulb horny? You turn it on!
So, a guy and his brother were walking in the woods, and his brother said, "It's getting dark out here, can we go home?"
The man said, "I know, think how I will feel walking home tonight!"
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm getting over it.
How do you get a depressed man out of the tree? You cut the rope.
John F. Kennedy: "Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head."