Future jokes

My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.

No, they will be wondering what I look like.

We’ll be back.

Teacher: What do you want when you grow up?

That depressed kid in class: Dead.

Suicide gives you security for the future.

Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day, and you can choose to postpone it.

What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?

He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”

It's hard to predict the future,

especially before it happens.

I donated blood today. In the future, I will try to remember that I'm supposed to donate my blood only.

What is an orphan's favorite day?

Tomorrow: that is when the sun will come out.

Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.

Why did the rapper wear sunglasses to the interview?

Because his FUTURE was too BRIGHT!

My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...

I want a job cleaning mirrors. I could really see myself doing it!

What came first: the chicken or the egg?

Doesn't matter, in the future, they'll come together.

Ayo imagine having a chocolate fountain, but instead it cost a billion dollars a gallon and you have a hundred thousands, that number will never equate to how many porno magazines and alcoholic beverages and malty liquors stolen from my brother's bedroom as a desperate attempt at being edgy. Ayo, maybe instead of the future cars being powered by petroleum oil and gas, but with hot chocolate.

What's the difference between you and me?

I have a plan for this new year.

So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.

Comebacks when someone say: Bully: "Your teeth is so yellow that when you start smiling you slow down the traffic." Say: "At least its brighter than your future."

Caesar went to the future only to see how the Romans forgot Julius Caesar but only made a salad... I think it would have been better if Caesar stayed dead.

Kid says, “Are you a soldier?”

Soldier says, “Mhm.”

Kid says, “I wanna be a soldier someday.”

Soldier says, “Really?”

The kid says, “Yeah, but father says I don’t have the balls to be a soldier, but he’s right. I’m a FUCKING PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!!!"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

There are 4 people on a plane while it's crashing and there are only 3 parachutes. There's Opera, Obama, a little girl, and Trump. Opera grabs a parachute and says, "I'm famous, I get one!" And Trump grabs one and says, "Well, I'm president, of course I get one!" Obama looks at the little girl and says, "Since you're the future of our generation, take the last one." The little girl hugs Obama and says, "Actually, we can both have one. Trump took my backpack!"