Friends jokes

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"

So my dad walks into a bar and there was a hooker and a child. I was with him and they both approached us and they said only £50 for head but it was a little weird that the child was talking to my dad and the hooker was talking to me. I was about to say something but my dad pushed me over and my friend's uncle killed my dad.

The kid was never seen again. Her name was Madeleine McCann. I think I'm the only one who knows where she is, but overall the head from the hooker was good.

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

My friend called me fat, so I challenged him to a running race.

Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."

I was sitting in class, and the teacher said he wasn't disappointed in me and my best friend, but not so much in me.

I looked at my best friend and said, "I'm a disappointment to the teacher, too."

As a son, I set up a home date with my mom and my friend because I was going out of town. I set it up by telling my friend that my mom thinks he is cute, and I told my mom that my friend thinks that she is hot.

I came home the next day. I see in the living room my friend giving it to my mom doggy style. I ask what's going on. My mom said to me, "Meet your new daddy," then my friend said, "Hey son, get me a beer from the fridge."

Bro, I love hanging out with bullies. It's either we play Yahtzee or we playing Nazi.

Jeffrey Dahmer and his mother are having dinner.

His mother says, “I don’t like your friends.”

Then Jeff says, “You can eat the potatoes.”

What do you do if your online friend wants to commit suicide? You can't do anything, he's already on line.

What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?

He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”

I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. My friend's already on stage 4.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.

But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.

I told my friend to watch Naruto. It's been a week since I've seen him. Hope he comes back in one piece.

Friend: I got bit.

Other friend: By what?

Friend: A dog.

Other friend: (Runs away and the next day you know everyone is wearing a mask and the friend gets expelled because of rabies.)

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad. He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

Yo mama so dumb, when I told her my blind friend couldn’t see, she said, “Open yo eyes!”

What do you call a five year old with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"