Friends jokes

My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?

Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.

Me: What did the twin say to the other twin?

Friend: I don't know.

Me: I'll fall with you.

Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."

They will likely reply: "What's updog?"

To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"

My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.

My dumb ass thinking I made a friend, oh ya, I forgot, literally nobody likes me!

Why does the owl 🦉 have a lot of friends?

Because he’s a hoot.

Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.

Friend: You ok, man?

Me: Yea... I'll just leave myself "hangin'" tonight...

My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen.

He was charged for impersonating a police officer.

I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."

Friend: Name one gay person off the top of your head.

Me: Me.

One day a man buys a rope to commit suicide, but his friend stops him.

They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.

What do your teacher and your friend have in common?

They will both die eventually.

My mom gave my friend a blow job for good luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview, and they both got the job. Now who needs good luck? Just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.

Are your forehead and hairline old friends because they go way back?

Friend: Why do you like Minecraft so much?

Me: Because I love miners!

*at school*

Nobody: Do you want nuts?

Me: Wait, you have some?

Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

Me: :0

Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.

(meaning sad)

One day, there are friends having fun.

Hours later, one of the friends, Alice, wanted to leave and said, "Cya guys, I'm just gonna hang in the tree and have some fresh air."

And they all agree.

Hours go by, and the group of friends are ready to go home, but then they see a tree in the distance that looks like someone is hanging on the tree with a tight rope.

Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."