Friends jokes

One day a man buys a rope to commit suicide, but his friend stops him.

They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.

My mom gave my friend a blow job for good luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview, and they both got the job. Now who needs good luck? Just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.

What do your teacher and your friend have in common?

They will both die eventually.

My ex-friends are depressed. Their names are Kaitlyn and Ava.

My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?

Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.

My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.

Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."

They will likely reply: "What's updog?"

To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"

Me: What did the twin say to the other twin?

Friend: I don't know.

Me: I'll fall with you.

I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

*at school*

Nobody: Do you want nuts?

Me: Wait, you have some?

Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

Me: :0

Cheese, gimme cheese!

(inspired by a friend)

What does a bad friend give a blind kid for his birthday?

Give him a gun and tell him it's a hairdryer.

I beat up my twin friends with a plane.

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.

(meaning sad)

Friend: You ok, man?

Me: Yea... I'll just leave myself "hangin'" tonight...

Why does the owl 🦉 have a lot of friends?

Because he’s a hoot.

My dumb ass thinking I made a friend, oh ya, I forgot, literally nobody likes me!

Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.