Friends jokes

Game of Thrones

    • The other day I started watching Game of Thrones.

    I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest, and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh, so you're still on the first episode then?"

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    • Friend

    • My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."

    So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.

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    • Library

    • Me: I got kicked out of the library the other day.

    Friend: Why?

    Me: Because I put the women rights book in the fiction section.

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    • Roulette

    • My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

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    • Friend

    • My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

    Me: Yea-

    My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

    Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

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    • Friends memes

    Friend

    • I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

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    • EpiPen

    • I have an EpiPen.

    My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

    It seemed really important to him that I have it.

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    • Will Smith

    • Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

    So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

    Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

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    • Slide

    • If I place a slide on the edge of a cliff or a really high building, would going down it be considered "suislide"?

    Asking for a friend.

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    • Cheese grater

    • I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

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    • Rape

    • I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

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    • Pen

    • Why couldn't Sally write with the pen? (Friend: Idk, why?) Because she had no arms.

    Why couldn't Sally play Tennis? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Yes, she had no arms.

    Why did Sally fall off the swing? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) No, Joe pushed her.

    Why couldn't Sally pick up the box? (Friend: *Some weird guess*) Because she had no arms.

    Why did Sally drop her ice cream? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Because she got hit by a bus.

    Knock Knock. (Friend: Who's there?) Not Sally.

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