Friends jokes

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

Friend: Do you know him?

Other Friend: Know who?

Friend: My dick!

What do cells call their friends with? A cell phone.

Your hairline and forehead must be friends, because they go way back further than the universe.

Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?

Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!

Confucius say: "Gay man who take far, far away trip, hates to leave friends behind."

Some weird kid came into school today with his tagging gun. He tagged my friend really good. At the end, he tagged 12 students and 1 teacher. VICTORY ROAYAL ✌

I was at school today, and one of my friends said after a test, "Man, that was hard." After that, I started laughing and I said, "That's what she said."

Friends, gather here.

Samantha, Josephine, Stevie, Jess, Alice, and Alex.

One would think Dracula would have a lot of friends. Unfortunately, no one likes him. He is a pain in the neck.

Me: Are you an alien?

Friend: No.

Me: Yeah, because you're too ugly to be one.

I can never get away from my dog, he follows me everywhere. I think you two would be really good friends.

You say this to your friend, "Damn, your nuts are bigger than mine!" *thinks the wrong way*.

Friend: I must order more nuts.

So my friend died. I was at her casket. I said I'll see you on the other side, so I went to the other side of the casket.

If I died and went to heaven, do you think I’d be friends with Prince?

The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.

Why does an orphan like The Beatles? Because it's family friendly.

What did the lettuce say to the carrot?

"Lettuce be friends!"

Mother: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you follow?

Me: Leads a marching parade off the Golden Gate Bridge.

Me and my friend have a friend that's in a wheelchair, but he is so annoying, so we throw him in a fire. Now we call him "Hot Wheels."

Yesterday I went to a party at my friend’s house. Everyone was dressed as birthday candles. It was a blowout.