Friends jokes
Me: Hey, do you want to meet my grandma?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: *pulls out gun*
I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."
My friend just told me about reverse exorcisms.
In these, the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.
best friend makes 9/11 joke.
you: "hey, my dad was inside the tower."
best friend: "I'm sorry."
you: "I always knew he was a great pilot."
People's music when friends are around: *rock*
When they are gone: "Come on, vamanos, everybody let's go!"
My friend's name is Campbell, so she must love soup.
Why can't orphans call their friends?
Because they don't have a home phone!
Me: I got kicked out of the library the other day.
Friend: Why?
Me: Because I put the women rights book in the fiction section.
Last night I slipped on a banana.
My friend said it was a-peeling!
I'm Asian and there is a saying that dogs are man's best friends. They are my best friends because they keep me from starving.
My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.
Why is jelly laughing a lot?
Because his friend goes nuts!
"Are you taco to me? I nacho friend."
A friend of mine told me something that I cannot forget, and I am now traumatized to hell. The next day a kid was set for an amber alert that looked exactly like my DEAR friend! :)
My dog stepped on a bee, My child spilt my tea, I drank my hot tea, I broke my bloody knee, Now I'm lying in agony, And I'm devastated with no glee.
(Again, credits to my really funny friend)
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
10 Fun Facts.
1. You can't wash your eyes with soap. 2. You can't count your hair. 3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out. 4. You just tried number 3. 5. When you did number 3, you realized it's possible, only you look like a dog. 6. You're smiling right now because you were fooled. 7. You skipped number 5. 8. You just checked to see if there is a number 5. 9. Share this with your friends to have some fun too :-)
My friend Joe was a great hunter. He always shot like 3 deer every week.
He was even better at school when he bagged 30 of them.
My friend said that his book was getting boring and that he's gonna kill off some characters.
I asked him what his book was about and he said, "Oh, it's an autobiography."
Why aren't emos and trees friends? Because the tree leaves them hanging.