Friends jokes

I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!

Last night I slipped on a banana.

My friend said it was a-peeling!

My friend tried to sleep on napkins.

I guess that's why they're called NAP-kins.

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."

When my friend fell, I didn't crack up, but the sidewalk did.

Yo mama so old, her photos are in a museum and her friends are in a graveyard.

Friend: Hi.

Me: Do you know how lost their dad is?

Friend: Me?

Me: Damn, no, not you.

Friend: Then who?

Me: The orphan kid.

I guess we're the same.

I see my friends at school. They talk to me, they go back to class, but they forgot I am their classmate, and they were like, "You're a dumbie." And I was, "Well, you're a dumbass, bi***!"

My friend tried high-fiving me; I left him hanging.

My friend told me I was so dark that I had no bright ideas.

Your hairline and forehead must be friends, because they go way back further than the universe.

Me and my friend have a friend that's in a wheelchair, but he is so annoying, so we throw him in a fire. Now we call him "Hot Wheels."

Why does Johnny Sins cover his pants, but it doesn't work?

Because the long, hard thing can't chirp down.

Tell it to your parents and friends!

My orphan terrorist friend is on TV... I think he blew up.

I took my friend skydiving once, and he jumped out of the plane without a parachute. Then I remembered he was emo.

Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?

Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!

Confucius say: "Gay man who take far, far away trip, hates to leave friends behind."

What do you call your retard friend?

A homie with an extra cromie.

My friend: I want to cut myself.

Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.