Friends jokes

I keep trying to call my emo friend. They keep hanging up.

I was sitting in class, and the teacher said he wasn't disappointed in me and my best friend, but not so much in me.

I looked at my best friend and said, "I'm a disappointment to the teacher, too."

Friend: How dark IS your humor?

Me: It started an organization against cops.

Once there was a boat. Its friends said,

"It's time to come back." And the boat said,

"No way. I don't give into pier pressure."

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

As a son, I set up a home date with my mom and my friend because I was going out of town. I set it up by telling my friend that my mom thinks he is cute, and I told my mom that my friend thinks that she is hot.

I came home the next day. I see in the living room my friend giving it to my mom doggy style. I ask what's going on. My mom said to me, "Meet your new daddy," then my friend said, "Hey son, get me a beer from the fridge."

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

Me and my friends were having a party the other day when some bitch came bitching about the noise. Thankfully, she was hot and had a nice ass, so it was enjoyable raping her.

The next day when I woke up, I found her body only half eaten. Her lower body was still intact, so I went for seconds to fuck off the hangover. Then I had breakfast. Her ass tasted good with some ketchup.

My friends were the pilots on 9/11, they told me, "Bro, chill, it's just a prank!"

My friend called me fat, so I challenged him to a running race.

My wheelchair-bound friend was getting bullied, so I told him to stand up for himself.

Two friends were hanging out with each other next to a tree.

Too bad only one was standing. :)

I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."

Yo mama so dumb, when I told her my friend was mute she said, “Can't you unmute her?”

I would like to tell you the name of a song I showed my friend who was on LSD. "I See a Dreamer."

Me: I just came home from Africa, and guess what I saw.

Friend: I don't know.

Me: A black market.

Me, a Chinese woman, and her BFF walked into a bar. I asked the Chinese girl for her number. She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!”

Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”

A white guy was telling his friend about this girl he hooked up with. His friend asks, "Did you get her number?"

He replies, "No, but it's okay, I'll see her at the next family reunion!"