Friends jokes

What do you call it when a friend calms his suicidal friend? "Hang in there, buddy."

I had a friend named Wemiyoe... We call him "we me you."

Me and my friends are going to create a Steps tribute band. We are all in wheelchairs, so we are going to be called "Ramps."

The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."

My friend: "Hey, I see a dwarf!"

Me: "Where?"

Friend: "In front of me."

Your forehead and your hairline must be friends, because they go way back!

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he ever read.

Yo mama is so skinny, she makes friends with a snake.

Why is the dog having KFC? Because the dog has no friends.

When you ask your friend if he thinks lunch is good, but he says that he doesn't taste anything.

My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.

I should put a little more backbone into them.

One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.

Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"

"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"

"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."

Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."

Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"

Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."

Man: "Okay. Let's do it."

So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.

After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"

Man: "I am 35 years old."

Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.

The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr. Independent and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!

Like if your best friend has a dog.

What do you call a friend in space?

Space friend.

Last night I remember partying with friends to find blood on my nightstand.

Moments after, I scolded my friends to put my alarm clock back where they found it.

My friend said, "Let's have a sleepover."

Little did I know it was just at prison.

So Steph Curry and Lebron James went on a vacation, and Steph Curry said, "Try not to travel!"

Q: What did the cannibal shout when his friend fell on the floor?

A: "FIVE SECOND RULE!"

Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.

The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.

Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.

After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."

Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.

Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"