Friend jokes

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

My friend said an apple a day keeps the orphan away. I said only if you throw it hard enough.

My wheelchair-bound friend was getting bullied, so I told him to stand up for himself.

People ask me if my friend jumps off a bridge, will I go as well? Of course not. I am a leader; I will go first, my friend will jump after me!

I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.

Friend: Hey, wanna race home?

Orphan: What home?

Me and my friend (rope) like hanging out.

Fat person: "Hey, what's up?"

Friend: "Your blood pressure!"

Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.

Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.

Me: Oh, I already tried that.

My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.

I told him to stop being so clothes-minded.

My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.

But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"

Look, Bono is a great guy, but shopping with him is a pain, because he still hasn't found what he is looking for.

Horrible Jokes, Part One- A friend of mine got into photographing salmon in different clothing. He said he liked shooting fish in apparel.

A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"

An African man visits his friend in the US.

“I just flew in yesterday,” the African man says. “And boy are my arms tired!”

“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America,” replied his friend.

“Joke?” the African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country!”

My Japanese friend told me a Pearl Harbor joke. I told him he bombed it.

*bowl of dark grapes*

Friend 1: I like my grapes how I like my men.

Friend 2: Black? Good one.

Friend 1: 21 at a time.

A girl walks up to her friend with sunglasses she missed very much.

She told her, "Hey, long time no see."

Why was my mate in "Mission: Impossible?" Because he couldn't find his dad.

Me: U know the show called Imagine Dragons?

Friends: No, what is it?

Me: Imagine dragon this nuts across yo mouth.