Family jokes
If you kill someone, that's murder.
If you kill a family member, that's still murder.
If you kill a child, that's "child abuse."
Man: Hey kids, who wants milk?
Kids: Me!
Man: *unzips fly*
Last night little Johnny went to his room and saw people hanging out there, little balls.
My sis was funny but sad because I have a boy and she doesn't.
Me sais yes to mom when she seis wha is 1 plus 1 and me is says NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! looooooooooooooooooolllolololololol
Man and woman are having a discussion. The woman looks into the man's eyes and says, "Honey, you know how I like it when you walk up and stick it in . . . "
". . . but I love it when Bob walks up and sticks it in!"
Divorce is scheduled for next month.
My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.
My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.
What do you call an orphan's family tree?
A stump.
So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.
Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."
Why couldn't the orphanage win the baseball game?
Answer: They couldn't find home base.
Oh, Mom, there is poop in the toilet still.
Mom: Oh, that was me and the dog.
Me: Wait, what????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"
Why do orphans play a lot of tennis?
Cause that's the only way they get love.
If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.
My dad still hasn’t come back with the milk. Now we are stuck eating dry cereal.
Why can orphans not play baseball? They can't hit a home run.
"F" stand for family, that's why "orphan" is spelled with "ph."
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"
How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?
Why can't orphans be gay?
Because they can't call anyone their dad.