Family jokes
Where does Santa send his children to study?
The Elf-phabets.
Why was your mom so into me?
'Cause she was the man.
I wondered why there was red all over my bathroom til I found out that my sis had dyed her hair red. Man, it looked like somebody died in there! Lol.
"There is no way you can fit in there."
"Says who?"
"Your mom."
"When?"
"Last night."
"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"
You want to get her pregnant before marriage to know if she's fertile, so why not marry a single mother that already has proof?
Why can't orphans be home schooled?
Because they have no parent to home school them.
My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.
Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.
I traveled through time to get my dad back.
I failed because I was 1e21 years off.
One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.
My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.
My bro’s parents died, but he didn’t know why.
Turns out they died because he was a failure, and he would be going to an orphanage in 4 days.
Your hairline goes even further back than the last time your parents said "I love you."
Yo mama so ugly when she looked in the mirror, her reflection threw up and ran away.
What’s the difference between a photocopier and the flu?
One makes facsimiles; the other makes sick families.
Yo mama is so strict that in The Outsiders, she was Darry.
The only thing running in THIS family’s your big ass mouth! Oh, I’d better shut up, or Big Bertha’s gonna confuse my head for a burger!
I could tell my cousin you are so annoying, but she told me first, so we both said it at the same time. 🫣🤣😂
"One man's trash is another man's treasure."
It's a wonderful phrase, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted.
Guess whose parents didn't survive?
Liv's parents.
Your eyebrows run away like your dad.
Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?
Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!