Family jokes

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

One gets picked, and the other doesn’t.

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”

What did the mom say to her house? "I love you"

Me and Billy Bob the 1st, Billy Bob the 2nd, and Billy Bob 4th Jr. were all in the Twin Towers.

Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?

Because they don't have Mother's and Father's day.

When is Father's Day?

Nine months before Mother's Day.

Girl: "Dad."

Dad: "Do I love you?"

Girl: "I am a prostitute."

Dad: "Yes."

Woman 2: "Dad."

Dad: "Right?"

Woman 2: "I'm a woman too."

Father: "God, do you love children?"

Boy: "Yes..."

Why can’t orphans do homeschool? They don’t have a home to do so.

Mom: Clean your room! Me: No, it’s my room, and I don’t want to clean it. Mom: You are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Me: Well, I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now, am I? You are the worst. Why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter? I’m not her, OK? I am not her, so stop! Mom: Do you know what? I pushed you out of my hula for 43 minutes! Do not make me hate you, because guess what? I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it! Me: Bro.

My three favorite things are eating my family, and not using commas.

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

You know what orphans and Batman have in common? They'll both never see their parents again.

Why does a brother love his sister?

Because he came in her.

I once gave birth to 3 children.

Why do people adopt orphans?

They get cash.

A homeless kid walked up to another kid and said, "I have what you don't." He said, "(Parents)."

And the kid said, "Your right, I do have parents," and walked away.

Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.

Yo mamma is so dumb, she will watch Disney Junior all night long.

The orphan turned 18, but he was happy because he didn't have to pay rent to his parents.

Lil bro's hairline is making me hungry wit that M shape also hitten me wit that damb batab bat bat baaa.