Family jokes
Dad: Honey!
Mom: What?
Dad: All of the broken condoms are on the bed.
Mom: WHAT!?
Children: *staring*
What's the difference between a God and my mom?
My mom exists. I mean... she did at one point! Unlike any "Gods."
What's the difference between you and your sister?
Your dad.
Me: *finds out my dad's an orphan*
No one:
Literally no one:
Me: Time to make his life hell.😈
The reason your dad never came back with the milk is 'cause he ran 88 mph downhill.
Why do orphans love playing baseball?
They can always run home.
I used to have a son, but he died the same way Eric Clapton's son died. For inspiration.
Your mum is a baby, huh? Not a little baby!
Batman: I’m vengeance.
Dad: Hi Vengeance, I’m dad.
Batman: ...
Dad: Son, it’s been 20 years, please let go.
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Repeat after me...
Me: "You have a weird style."
Mom: "You have a weird style."
Me: "Um, not your mirror!" *runs away*
Why are orphans bad at baseball?
Because they have no home to run to.
Mom: “Guess where I’m taking you, son!”
Son: “To the playground?”
Mom: “No, to the morgue.”
Why do all orphans have an iPhone X?
Because it doesn't have a home button.
So, when I'm about to take a shower, my mom says, "Take a shower." When I'm about to take out the trash, my mom says, "Take out the trash."
Why can orphans never go on field trips?
Because they can’t get a parent signature.
What's the difference between me and an orphan's parents?
I actually come back with the milk.
Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they can’t find home base.
Your Nan is dead.