Family Jokes

Brother: I bought my brother a trampoline today, the ungrateful fuck just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

Son - Dad, I've been expelled from school for having sex with a girl in my class.

Dad - Son, that's the 2nd school this year! Maybe teaching isn't for you!

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."

I'm so proud of my Grandpa. He killed Hitler himself.

Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."

Me verses my mother

The image is a side-by-side comparison. On the left, there's a depiction of a fiery figure with an angry face, labeled 'My mom when I break something.' On the right, there's a smiling green figure with floral details, labeled 'My mom when she breaks something.'

Why are orphans so good at tennis?

Because that’s the only love they get.

Q: What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?

A: The homepage.

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

A family photo.

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."

My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple gets picked.

I hate my wife.

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

I feel sad for orphans. They can't watch Star Wars because it's parental guidance.

Depression hits harder than my dad.

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

Teacher: I used to be an orphan once.

Student: OOFT.

Teacher: Who are we missing?

Student: Your parents.

Me: Are you an orphan?

Boy: Yeah, what gave me away?

Me: ....ur parents.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack was surprised to see she had different eyes, and that’s when he realized... Jack had fucked Jill’s daughter.