Family jokes

What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?

An ambulance.

Son - Dad, I've been expelled from school for having sex with a girl in my class.

Dad - Son, that's the 2nd school this year! Maybe teaching isn't for you!

I'm an orphan, lol.

Brother: I bought my brother a trampoline today, the ungrateful fuck just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

Yo' mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

A family photo.

Q: What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?

A: The homepage.

So, a daughter asks her father, "Dad, what is your opinion on abortions?" Her father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?" The daughter responds, "But I don't have a sister... Oh."

Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."

Depression hits harder than my dad.

How do you know when an orphan is lying?

When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

What are the similarities between an orphan and a newborn plant?

Both their parents were separated.

My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.

Why are orphans so good at tennis?

Because that’s the only love they get.

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple gets picked.

Me: Are you an orphan?

Boy: Yeah, what gave me away?

Me: ....ur parents.

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."

I hate my wife.