Family jokes

Son - Dad, I've been expelled from school for having sex with a girl in my class.

Dad - Son, that's the 2nd school this year! Maybe teaching isn't for you!

Yo' mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

I'm so proud of my Grandpa. He killed Hitler himself.

So, a daughter asks her father, "Dad, what is your opinion on abortions?" Her father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?" The daughter responds, "But I don't have a sister... Oh."

(just a joke) My grandfather was involved in 9/11. I’ve kept his pilot medals for how good of a pilot he was.

Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."

Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."

Depression hits harder than my dad.

Q: What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?

A: The homepage.

What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?

An ambulance.

My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

A family photo.

Why are orphans so good at tennis?

Because that’s the only love they get.

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

What are the similarities between an orphan and a newborn plant?

Both their parents were separated.

How do you know when an orphan is lying?

When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple gets picked.

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."

I hate my wife.