Family jokes

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack was surprised to see she had different eyes, and that’s when he realized... Jack had fucked Jill’s daughter.

So, a daughter asks her father, "Dad, what is your opinion on abortions?" Her father says, "Why don't you ask your sister?" The daughter responds, "But I don't have a sister... Oh."

(just a joke) My grandfather was involved in 9/11. I’ve kept his pilot medals for how good of a pilot he was.

Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."

Depression hits harder than my dad.

Teacher: I used to be an orphan once.

Student: OOFT.

Teacher: Who are we missing?

Student: Your parents.

Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."

Q: What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?

A: The homepage.

What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?

An ambulance.

Yo' mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

A family photo.

Why are orphans so good at tennis?

Because that’s the only love they get.

My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."

What are the similarities between an orphan and a newborn plant?

Both their parents were separated.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple gets picked.

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."

I hate my wife.

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.