Family jokes

You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.

Is their [there] a doctor anywhere?

My mom has a few problems & those problems is [are] that my mom has big tits, fat ass & sweet pussy that needs attention. Help anyone.

Son: Dad, where are you?

Dad: Getting another one.

Son: Getting what?

Dad: Dad.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

Lil bro's hairline is making me hungry wit that M shape also hitten me wit that damb batab bat bat baaa.

Marriage is really educational.

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"

Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."

What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?

"Where are the kids?"

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.

He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?

Chelsea Clinton.

What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?

Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.

What’s the difference between video games and my dad?

My dad doesn’t beat me.

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”