Family jokes
What flour do orphans use to bake bread?
Self-raising.
Boy: The F in orphan stands for family.
Orphan: But there’s no F in orphan.
Boy: Exactly!
Bored? Punch an orphan! Who are they gonna tell, their parents?
Blood may be thicker than water, but yo mama is thicker than anything!
My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.
Yo mama so hairy, she braids her elbows.
TV Darth Vader: "I'm your father!"
Orphans: "Yea."
Why does Joe only have 264 days in his calendar?
Because he can't celebrate Father's Day.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they don’t have a home to run to.
Why do orphans always get an iPhone X?
Because it doesn’t have a home button.
What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.
Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.
My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."
Stranger: Knock knock.
Orphan: Who's there?
Stranger: Not your parents.
What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day?
They shellabrated their mommy.
Why do orphans like to go to church?
So they have someone to call father.
If you're bored, punch an orphan in the face. What is he gonna do, tell his parents?
An American mother has 3 children. The first child asked his mum: "Why is my sister called Crazy Horse and my brother Rushing Water?"
Mum: "Because those were the first thing I saw after i gave birth to them. Why are you asking all these questions, two dogs fucking?"
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
My mom told me to make my dad smile, and she will give me $100, so I said, "The Cowboys are gonna win the Super Bowl." He smiled, but my mom didn't give it to me.
Anyways, I forgot about my package coming, and the mailman came, and I said, "I like your hat; teal looks nice on you," and he smiled, and my mom gave me $100.
The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”
“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”
“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”