Family jokes

Why won't my boyfriend eat my pie? His brother made it.

I once tried to have a family friendly conversation with a worm, but it kept its head in the dirt.

When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.

How did the digital clock show off to its mother?

Look, Ma, no hands!

I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"

Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.

Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂

Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.

Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

My grandfather died at Auschwitz.

Poor fella fell off the guard tower.

A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"

She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.

The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."

It said to submit a joke, and that's what my mom did when I was born.

I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"

Why do black people call each other brothers? Because they don't know who their fathers are.

What do orphans and Spider-Man have in common?

They both have no way home.

Why do orphans play GTA?

To be wanted.

Why do orphanages give out free phones?

So you can press the home button.

What do you do when you're sad? Kick an orphan!

What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Why do orphans eat cereal with water?

Because their daddy still hasn't come home with the milk.

What's an orphan's most hated show?

The Fosters.

What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?

They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.

What does an orphan have that a homeless person doesn’t?

A home, but what does a homeless person have that orphans don’t?

A parent.