Family jokes
What is a cow on two legs?
Yo mama!
I've never seen my dad since September 11. I wonder where he is...
A man finds his son climbing the roof of his house. The kid kept using all sorts of material to climb up, but the dad didn't pay much attention.
Next day the kid went to the state tower and kept climbing using some adhesive gloves. The dad asks his son for a second time: "Son! Why are you doing this?" The son replies: "You told me to aim up high!"
Q: What were my son's last words before he died?
A: "Bye, Dad, I am going to school."
Man: I must confess, Father.
Priest: What are you here to confess?
Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son.
Priest: And what happened to your son?
Man: He said a man raped him.
Priest: When and where did this happen?
Man: A local church. I don't know which one.
Priest: ...By whom?
Man: A priest, he said. He said the priest had black hair and blue eyes, kind of like you.
Priest: ...Shit
It was Christmas time for Little Johnny. He was going to make some cookies and milk for Santa until he heard shaking and moaning from his mother's bedroom.
He thinks, "Meh, Dad's probably back from the grocery store."
But 2 seconds later, he heard a "Ho Ho Ho Oh YEAH!" and then a slap. He opens the door. He finds Santa riding on his 19-year-old mom. He asks, "Santa, when did you get here and WHAT are you doing?"
Santa replied, "Your mother asked for her 'milk jar' to be filled, and that's what I am doing."
Johnny says, "Oh. But, Mom, you told me Dad was here, well where is he?"
(Santa winks at you)
What's the difference between your mom in bed and Biden in the presidential race?
Your mom finishes.
Mother: Jack, I have good news and some bad news, which would you like to hear first?
Jack: Bad News first.
Mother: I'm dying!
Jack: Mother, I said bad news first.
Mother: *cries*
Jack was never seen again.
Why do orphans play tennis? Because that's the only thing they love.
Mom! I think that dad is sleeping.
Mom: No, honey, I killed him.
What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?
"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"
What does the man say about his baby sister Lydia? "I hope she electrocutes herself!"
What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?
Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.
Little Johnny brings his cat to school, and then the teacher asked him why. Little Johnny says, "Because I heard my dad tell my mom I'm going to eat that pussy up when the kids leave!"
What do you call my sister?
Suicidal.
Q: Why can't the orphan buy Robux?
A: He could not use his mother's credit card.
What's the difference between Batman and a gay person?
Batman has no one to call "daddy."
It’s me back at it again.
The earth was flat till they buried yo mama!!!
One day my girlfriend and I were just hanging out and she needed to tell our dad that we were going out.
"Kidnapping is just surprise adoption, congrats! You are now all my children! Just hop into the portal that leads to the Lust Ring in Hell!"